This article is purely satirical. None of the information posted is factual.

On Nov. 1, Miami-Dade County Public Schools Superintendent Alberto Carvalho announced altered COVID-19 guidelines for members of M-DCPS. Now, all students, teachers and staff must sit within two feet of each other to encourage the feeling of community around Dade County schools.

Every fall, the common cold takes high school students as its victims. During this season, one cannot enter a classroom without hearing a chorus of coughs and sneezes. Despite the rise in common colds, the M-DCPS School Board decided to act on the decreasing COVID-19 cases by implementing a new set of guidelines. 

COVID-19 has caused a loss of the sense of community normally found in schools — a result of the icy six-foot distance requirement and mask mandate, which obscured facial gestures. The new COVID-19 guidelines require that all M-DCPS students and staff stand in greater proximity to each other in order to learn “closer” together. Despite the greater risk of infection, the new guidelines force students to build stronger bonds and hopefully, create a more family-like atmosphere. 

The School Board had avoided making these changes at the beginning of the school year. In late August, the Florida Department of Education pressured all counties to adopt the new guidelines, but M-DCPS stood firm on the six-foot distance requirement and mask mandate. Yet with falling case numbers and increasing pressure from the state, the M-DCPS School Board decided to update its guidelines for the remainder of the school year. 

Each school within the district as a whole continuously tracks COVID-19 case numbers, which will determine future changes to the guidelines. The new year brings uncertainty regarding the effects of the new COVID-19 guidelines, but we will get through it together. Closely.